Friday, May 18, 2012

Letters and A Drink in a Starbucks Cup

As I mentioned last week,
I don't do coffee.
So this week it's a homemade batch of tazo passion fruit tea,
In my starbucks container from yesterday.
Our house is always ridiculously short on cups

This week you should be assured that I am no longer an anxiety ridden mess.
At least not this early in the morning.
Since our last coffee date I have:
Worked through making a budget to prepare us for some life changes,
especially saving money.
Have began to successfully plan our meals a week in advance and make only one shopping trip for them a week.
Filled out and turned in a handful of job applications.
Planned to spend a few days with my sister before her belly pops.

Yeah. I've been busy and accomplishing things. Mmhm.

Through reading some of the letters already up this week, I stumbled upon some inspiration from Nay at Cover to Cover and Everything in Between. Go see her letter she wrote, and it's truly quite touching.

But it also made me think of a few people in my own life. And I figured that I might share with you one such letter that I sit here writing.

Dear Boy Who Shouldn't Matter Anymore (And most times doesn't),

You ruined a good part of my life a long time ago. Jesus it's been nearly ten years. Ten years ago I was just a girl. A child. And so were you, in a manner of speaking. But.. I still blame you. I think I always will, because there is no way you could have just done what you did on the follies of youth. I truly believe there is some kind of darkness in you. But that isn't why I'm writing today.
I'm writing to tell you that most days...I'd say 97% of the time...I don't spare you a thought. You don't affect my life anymore the way you used to. You were a stubborn stain on my soul for a really really long time. Something that dictated my actions with people who never even knew your name. But you see, they had to deal with me, and you'd been sure to leave your mark. I still harbor a lot of resentment for you, thinking about you, though most days, I don't. Most days I think: Man if that hadn't happened then, I wouldn't be so grateful now. If that had happened only a few years later in my life, things would have been a lot worse. But when allowing myself just to think on -you-, you should know, I still think you're scum. And I think you deserve it.
I want you to know that I've grown to be a woman I love now. A woman who is still compassionate, still fights for people, still thinks every single person has an underlying of good somewhere. A woman with a husband who loves her so much it's really quite mind blowing. A woman who didn't get pregnant at 13 when you wanted me to. A woman who is, most days, confident in herself and who she is. I had to relearn who I was after you, do you know that? Probably not. It was like recovering from a bad accident, learning things you once knew all over again. My brain blocked you out. I still don't remember that year and a half.
I guess, I just wanted you to know, that despite your and your mother's best efforts, I turned out to be something worth while. Something more than some sick perversion that you both were pushing on me. Something more than a baby who was willing to forsake everyone else for a while. I became more. You? I doubt it. I may still have a moment of panic when I think I see you, see your mother, but it passes. Just like my thoughts of you did.
I'm not that Girl anymore.

Wooh. Sorry about that folks. That took a turn for the dark, hmm?
I also know this ties in with the coffee discussion Alissa opened as well. Courage and loving boldly. It took me a really really long time to learn how to love myself again. To have the courage to be happy and to forget. To move on. It wasn't until I met my husband that I feel like I truly did. To have such a wonderful, magical, awe inspiring love for you so evident every day...It really does heal. He's made me sure of myself, and most days, confident and bold in my own sense of self love and love for my life.

Anyway, I'm glad you guys stuck around..if you did.. {haha}
Go see who else joined for coffee today at Rags to Stitches.


  1. I am so proud of you! I have sat here deeply moved by your letter and that I had a tiny bit in inspiring you makes me...well, I'm in awe.

    Your newest fan,
    Your Nay

  2. I am so inspired by you. This moved me so heavily. I'm so very proud of how you have grown and I look up to you greatly! This is a great post and I only wish the best in continuation of life!