coffee date {caramel apple frap}

If we met for coffee today, I'd probably order a caramel apple blended drink.

Sort of like this but a lot less pretentious since I go to local business coffee shops.
{I don't like coffee, sorry!}

I'd probably start off with finding out what was going on with you this week. What has you excited? Anything bothering you about how things are going? This is just the kind of person I am. I must know what's going on with you, how the mood and atmosphere will be, what kind of visit we will have, before I open up about much.

Will we have a casual conversation? Something that's focused on some quite big news? Or are we sharing our actual feelings today?
Those be dangerous territories darling,
you sure you want to go there?
Well.. if you insist.

This week has begun a slow slipping into something that could be totally great,
or potentially the wrecking of any sort of sanity I've stockpiled in a while.
Yes I believe when we're having good days we stockpile sanity so we can afford to lose it later!

Potentially exciting things are being set into motion this week.
You know, one of those things that you've been hoping for for a long time.
A little jiggling thought in the back of your mind occasionally in your day to day routine.
A small little wish that most days you don't make the focus of your world,
even though some days it becomes that.
Something you've even given up thinking about the day you find out it might actually happen.

Well now that thing seems to be hurtling towards me at light speeds.
And I'm freaking out.
It's a near constant source of anxiety.
Something that is picking at me from several different angles all at once.
Monetary is a big one. Of course. Isn't it always?
Will we be able to afford it? Afford the upkeep for all our dreams?
Afford to start? (that's a major one for me.)

There's also the fear that it will come between me and some people in my life.
That somehow it won't work out,
Or it will be a really exceedingly difficult ride,
And it will come between me and people I truly care about.
{and whose relationship I've had to work really hard on getting where it is}

I can imagine you asking how I'm dealing with these things.
Because I know you're all just that sweet
And my answer? (beyond the woman's best well known lie of I'm fine)
Would be that I'm going neurotic.
I'm getting to the point where I'm trying to hyper organize everything.
I'm trying to find as many and the best coupons possible so I have hopes of helping us save up money.
I'm outlining and reoutlining various rules that we absolutely -must- follow for the upcoming months.
Any time anything doesn't fall into these little rigid lists,
I inwardly have a full body wince and paranoia.
least it's still inwardly?
My poor husband is going to have to live beneath the rule of the neurotic notions I'm scribbling into my notebook.
At least for now.
I hope just for now.

I guess that's the problem of having your hopes set on something,
This one thing
That if you only could do this one thing your life would get so much better.
So if it is actually here, I anyway,
begin to flip the [obscene word] out and begin to second doubt -everything-,
oh yeah, second doubt, way worse than either second guess or doubt.
because what if it doesn't make things better?
What if it makes things worse...

By now I'm sure you're on your like fifth cup of coffee,
and my neurotic babbling, coupled with your intense caffeine buzz, is driving jitters through you,
and you're just wondering in your head, over and over,
'god why did I open this gate?'
Well it's time to release you my friend.
And hope that you don't report me to some mental authority out there,
And maybe we could do this next week?
No? Maybe?
Thinks you'll somehow 'lose' my number...

Today's crazy rambling is brought to you by Alissa.