Saturday, August 11, 2012

Those Immensely Introspective Moments...

So this is kind of a post perhaps to gather my own thoughts.
To talk out what I'm trying to understand in my head,
and maybe y'all can offer some insights?
I'm always welcome to commenters, posters, 
and all those lovely people that come to see without a word spoken.
I feel some day perhaps I'll find something that speaks to you, 
and we'll finally meet...screen to screen.

Have you ever had a moment, that turns your mind sort of on it's ear?
[anyone else sort of tip their head in imagining that? I did.]
I had one of those yesterday, and it's left me kind of thoughtful in how I've held onto things.
You know, those monumental times of pain and damage,
that you just can't seem to let go of.
It's unhealthy, and most days you can say they're gone.
But that's only because you aren't exposed to any kind of reminder that day.

I'm going to relate to you one of my experiences,
in a short nutshell.
Maybe someday I'll expand, but I'm unsure if I'd even be able to.
My mind blocked most of it out.
Between the ages of 13 and 15, I was in a really toxic relationship.
It was my first 'serious' relationship.
You know, the kind that really shapes you for the rest of your life.
It's taken me a long long time to regain myself back from it.
I still have moments. Eight years later.
It was a very controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive, farce of a relationship.
His mother was nearly worse, in her support of everything he did. 
And her helpful planning that I should get pregnant.
At fourteen.
It was seriously immensely fucked up.

As much as I dislike that this has been a key shaping point for my life,
It has.
Some of it has been good. And now most of it has been good.
But for a long time there were a lot of negative side effects.
I've grown a lot. And have learned to look at it in some positive light.
That I wasn't old enough to make my own legal decisions.
That he wasn't old enough to take me anywhere from my parents.
That it's made me immensely aware of being myself and never losing myself again.

Another key point to understanding some additional dilemmas:
I live in the same town that this happened in.
It's not a large town.
You can see my problem occasionally.
This is what is leading to my current contemplation.

Recently, the place I work at has been host to that boy's grandparents.
I've seen them once or twice,
and I'm sure they don't recognize me or even know who I am.
I'm sure I was never that important to anyone there.
Yesterday his grandpa came up and got two cups of ice from me,
at two different points in the day.
The first time, I was nervous. Ridiculously so.
I had a near panic in my mind of 
'what if he recognizes me?
what if he asks questions?
what if he tries to say anything?'

Ridiculous right?
I feel stupid even typing it. But it's the truth.

But it went without a hitch.
The second time I even helped him further 
to make sure the ice would last all the way home
with a bigger cup and double cupping with a hot and cold cup.
Want to know what my thoughts were when all was said and done?

"Man I mighta thought you were a nice guy if I didn't know what you spawned"

Precise wording there, mmhm.
I sent it in a text. I should know.
And as I let it sink in and peculate 
[haha coffee joke]
throughout the rest of my day I began to wonder if that was a sort of skewed way of looking at things.
It makes me question if I'm finally ready to start letting go of things.
I would like to, and I suspect that there's a lot I've already let go of to even have that thought.
After all, it wasn't his family's fault that what happened...happened.
but I also feel like maybe, as an onlooker to a child couple,
that they may have thought something was wrong and done something about it.
I still have reservations of letting go of a thought structure I've had so long.
And in reality, I know that it doesn't really matter.
They obviously don't care. I'm obviously never going to be friends with these people.
I'm probably never going to speak to them hardly beyond that small contact.
But... it's just left me slightly ambivalent about the whole ordeal. 

I have a lacking of objectivity in this situation I suspect as well.
So I don't even know where to start my head.
My thoughts are still rather a jumble,
as is obvious by the slightly unorganized blog post I have going on.
Maybe some of you have some thoughts,
or direction that I might follow in trying to untangle all this mess?


  1. Mrs. White - I have been there. When you are thinking, "I know that I have stuff from the past that is effecting my present and will continue to effect my future. How in the world do I let this stuff go? How do I forgive others and forgive myself?" I was right there in that spot a few years ago. I met this friend who had been through a lot of the same stuff I had (past abuse, unhealthy relationships, abandonment issues) but she had none of the anger, unforgiveness, or unhealthy coping habits I had developed. So I straight up asked her why she was different and she said "Celebrate Recovery." It's a 12 step group to help you deal with your hurts, habits, and hang-ups. I learned what was and was not my fault from childhood, I learned how to say "I am sorry" and how to offer forgiveness. I am finally able to live how Jesus wants me to and to love others. He did an amazing work through Celebrate Recovery. I am in no way perefect, but I am living how He wants me to live - with freedom and grace - and I am grateful for Celebrate Recovery. Praying for you girl. xoxo

  2. new follower from the gfc hop!
    Misty @