Thursday, August 9, 2012

If You Really Knew Me

Hey y'all!
Man am I running into roadblocks lately in my desire to write.
I love blogging, I have worked hard for the little space of atmosphere I've carved out,
but it seems lately my self esteem and anxiety riddled depression,
[yeah, I go up and down at the same time. Beat that]
has been in the shitter.
Yeah it's one of those posts. Hide your kids hide your wife.

I don't know why, and it's really frustrating.
I have been doing so well for so long with my mood and my esteem.
I've had confidence, I haven't had mood swings hardly at all,
and even my normal anxiety I've been able to cope with and it only possesses me for a little while at a time.
Making a mental note, I do think that the word 'possess' should be associated with anxiety.
You're not 'you' when you're having those moments.
Moving on.

So I'm experiencing moments now like I used to.
Like when I don't want to read my e-mail, because I'm afraid something negative is in them.
Or I don't want to answer the phone because what if that person is upset with me.
I don't want to post, because I'm afraid nothing of what I say is meaningful enough to say to nearly
By the way, thanks guys. It means a lot to have you,
it's just weighing heavy like on my cranium.
So if you would, you can totally turn your head for a while so I don't feel so pressured.
Don't leave though, kay?

This roundabout word vomit is leading to me reading a post from Beth at Through the Eyes of the Mrs.
It's not especially crazy as mine is right now,
but I supposed that perhaps a good jumping off point would possible alleviate
the lack of confidence I'm feeling.
That and the dear makes me smile with some of the similarities in her things to know.
So here goes.

If You Really Knew Me

"I really get disgusted with large stores that have a million checkouts and only run five or six of them at a time... and then you wonder why this lady has to repent by the time I reach the car."
Same. Though I don't repent. I swear, profusely.

I'm experiencing empty nest syndrome. At 23. Can you believe it? My nephew up and took off to a city three hours away, without saying good bye. My niece has moved out on her own with her newborn. I'm left feeling as if I've lost one and am afraid of losing another. It's really been a heartache for me.

I pretty much love my job. I haven't had a crying day in a good while. While I dislike working such long hours lately, when I'm there I can forget the world for a while. Forget how I might have been feeling before I came in. Forget if there's something I should be doing at my house. I can just be there and be happy serving coffee. I'm getting pretty good at it.

I live in flip flops. I absolutely love heels, love buying heels, occasionally wearing them. But my go to shoe is a pair of flip flops. I have some in several colors, and a few of them currently have holes in the outer part of the sole where I've worn through them. Yeah I'm pretty hardcore.

I'm extremely competitive. I like to be the best at things. Or at least to win against the people I'm playing with. I love games, but I want to dominate them. Usually I'm a pretty good sport about not winning if I ever do. But I have a rivalry with my aunt on my husband's side. She is like the queen of card games in their family, I am in mine. We battle quite a bit.

I'm ambivalent about getting a cat. I miss having one when they're sweet, but I don't miss the smell or the lack of desire our old cat had for using his litter box. That and we had him in an apartment we wren't supposed to have him in, and so he couldn't really roam much. I have a hope that if we get a little older cat, or a female, in this house, we'd have a better time of it. But that old fear lingers that it'd turn out like last time.

I am so pro shelter adoption. Save for my dog Rosie, which my mom bought me as a Christmas surprise, I've always found my pets at shelters. I love to go to shelters, find an animal that's been there forever, that for some reason people haven't loved, and take them home. I believe they deserve a second chance, and I want to give it to them.


  1. I also love shopping for, buying, and planning outfits with heels...but then wearing flip flops :)

  2. I hope you feel better soon! I know what it is to be anxious...I finally broke down and started prozac for it all. You are not alone lovely lady! embrace the crazy!

  3. I feel ya on anxiety and self esteem shit. But know you have 400 followers because you are fun/interesting/amazing writer!!!! You have them for a reason girl! Don't doubt your blog awesome-ness.
    I don't own any flip flops and I feel like a loser. I haven't owned any since I was in high school. I want some.
    Hope you get feeling better soon. Sending you a hug!

  4. I think that's great about the shelters. We got ours from one too.