Friday, June 6, 2014

Coffee Date

I've missed coffee dates.
I've missed the idea of having a drink or outing with a girl friend.
So when I heard that Alissa from Diary of an Addict offered a sweet little link up,
I figured I'd once again fuel my girl friend having coffee drinking fantasies.


First of all, if we had coffee, and I'm in my own little fantasy here,
I'd take you to Big Foot Java. I'd let you drive because my car is messy.
Big Foot Java is way better than any Starbucks, hands down.
I'd let you in on my secret there. Because I've never liked Starbucks.
I'd let you choose our friendship then. Maybe you can't be friends with a gal that thinks
Starbucks is super overrated.
If we're still chill, I'd introduce you to why Starbucks is overrated
through one of these glorious coffee stands.
We would then need to go find a park to sit at, mainly because it is a drive-thru.
But we'd find somewhere.
We have pretty parks around here.

It's been a long time since I've had a moment like this,
so we'd of course catch up.
Catch up on what we've been doing. What has been happening.
And I'd find myself unable to tell you anything but about my son.
Because I've become one of those mothers that knows not
how to talk about anything else.
I'd tell you how he's starting to roll over to his stomach now.
And that he's eating solid food.
And that his favorites are carrots, green beans, yellow squash, spinach.
In that order, greatest to lowest.
And that he won't eat oatmeal cereal unless he has carrots mixed in.
That he's always excited to eat, and wants to just eat all the time.
Actually eat. Not bottle. He loves his bottle still, but he is always excited for solid food.

And after we'd talked about what it is you always love to talk about,
be it your kids, your pets, your job.
I'd love to hear about it, knowing that that is what your life revolves around.
And if it wasn't kids, I'd admire how I'd already happily checked out of that world.
That I'd finally gotten what I'd wanted, to be a stay at home mom,
and I'm not missing anything from before.
I would feel like I'd finally belong where I wanted to be.

I'd tell you that it was my grandfather's birthday on the third,
and my grandparent's anniversary on the fourth.
This was the first year both those days have passed without my grandfather.
Oh I forgot to mention? He passed on the fifth of April.
I haven't told many people. I don't really think anyone besides my immediate family know.
I don't like to broadcast things. I naturally tend to be very private.
Especially with things that are exceptionally important to me.
I'd say I would feel bad that I haven't had time to miss him much.
Just in small idle moments when I have a bare instant that I'm not going,
I think of him. How something today reminded me of him.
That I'd want to share it with him. That I am happier he's in a better place,
but the song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" has taken on a higher meaning.
I also think of him whenever I hear a sweet country song.
Or when my baby smiles.
He looks a lot like my grandpa sometimes when he smiles.
And how I want so bad not to ever forget him,
but the stories he told every other day are already dim in my memory.
How I miss him. I miss him. But I don't say it much.
I don't have time.

We'd share, I'm sure, an agreement that there's never enough hours in the day.
That I have to constantly shuffle myself, make sure my priorities are in order.
That when I indulge too heavily in something for me, personally, I feel bad.
I want nothing more than to be everything, everywhere, and happy.
But it seems like those things are sometimes mutually exclusive.
I'd tell you that sometimes I feel like I don't know anymore what's right.
What I'm supposed to be doing.
What I should be saying or making.
What qualifies as a happy family, a happy life.
How much time is enough quality time? What is quality time?
I'd tell you that I'm on the brink of making myself miserable again with stress,
but I'm trying to hold onto that barely bridled chaos and not let myself get sucked in.

There's too much been happening to really talk about it all over one coffee date.
That's one thing I'm sure we'd agree on.
Because June is the worst month for me.
It's too busy and I need at least three other me's to get it all done.
Off the top of my head, I tell you, there are:
Five birthdays [minus one for my grandfather]
Last weekend [not technically June but leading into it] we had a family reunion.
This weekend is one of the birthdays, which my mother and I are providing cupcakes and cake.
Not to mention there will probably be eighty people there and I'm dreading that.
Our first father's day.
One of those birthdays is my husband's, so I have to try and make it beautiful.
Another one of those birthdays is my great nephew's and my mother and I are hosting it.
That throughout June I'm helping to plan and do everything for my grandparent's
funeral service and reception afterwards for July.
There's not enough time.

So as you can see, I am leading a chaotic mind right now.
And I'm trying desperately to remain sane and happy.
To not put too much on myself, but at the same time, there's so much I need to do.
I'm in a conundrum. Would you have any advice?
Come, have coffee.

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