Thursday, January 29, 2015

Putting My Heart Out There

So I realize that my track record is not spotless,
at least not for the past year or so.
And I'm not going to promise grandiose plans of upheaval and delight
of every day posts and glorious projects.
Because frankly? 
I know I probably won't deliver.

But what I want to do is write.
Write from my heart, and write what I want to.
When I want to. 
[Because frankly, I hate trying to schedule my blog posts for some 
bright sunny morning time thinking more people will see it.]
I'm tired of focusing on doing things so people will see.
So people will like it.
So people will like me.

I know I'm most likely starting from scratch here again,
and that's okay. Mostly because I don't want to feel pressure.
I want to be able to talk about how I'm feeling, what I'm dealing with,
what's going on from time to time.
Not because I think people will be raptly paying attention,
nor to get my blog out there as one of the fabulous must reads and awesome inspirations!
But mostly because I need it.
I need to expel some things occasionally,
and cut myself some slack. Like we all do.

So why the sudden revelation?
Because my poor husband (who is sick by the way)
had to be there with me last night at 4 AM as I sobbed.
Told him I was exhausted trying to hold onto the strings of my life so tightly.
Tell him that I was so ashamed because I couldn't seem to make myself better.
That my mantra of 'hold on for just a little longer and it'll turn around' wasn't holding water anymore.
That I felt so bad that I wasn't at 100%, and that I hadn't been for some time now.
That I wasn't being all I could be, doing all I could do, that I used to do, for my husband and what all I wanted to do for my son.
How it had felt so good to finally be normal and successful with my family for the past four years,
instead of feeling that tension because I know my parents don't understand what I'm going through
and they all but hold their breath in fear that I'll lose it or they'll set me off.
But it's coming back, and I can feel it.
Because I haven't been good for a while now.
How desperately I just wanted to remain good in their eyes, 
and just be normal. To continue to just feel normal.
And not broken. Tired. Weak. and Wrong.

But I had to admit last night that I felt all those things again because I was suffering.
Suffering through depression.
And had been...for a good while.
I didn't want to admit it, and didn't want it to be anything beyond all that was going on.
Because I admit. There's been a lot going on. Back to back to back to back. tension.
It's been here and been here and been here.
An exhausting cycle that I've been just trying to push through.
And I am just...tired of pushing through and that being the entire center of my focus.
I want to have time and motivation and desire for other things.
For cooking for my family. For cleaning my house. For playing with my son.
Instead of simply expending what small amount of energy I have in simply getting up out of bed.
Even as I write this I cringe.
Hopelessly ashamed of the truth of the matter.
I can't help it. and I've always felt so alone in the fact that I'm the only member of my family
who seems to be coping with this sort of condition.
Or who ever has. 
It makes it so I can't admit it to anyone,
not even my husband,
until I'm so exhausted that I can't hardly breathe. 

But I want to get better.
Do better than 'just getting through'.
My family doesn't deserve me at just getting through.
They deserve me at my best. Happy. Delighted in life.
Who I normally am.

And while I know most won't have the time to stop by,
maybe as I continue they will.
Or someone will read this at four in the morning and feel some bit of kinship.
Feel not so alone, because that's the worst part about all of this for me.
That I feel so alone in my problems with it.
That I can't just be normal and happy like everyone else.
That I can't hardly relax unless I'm asleep because I'm working too hard to keep my head above water.
Maybe someone out there understands. And will feel relieved that they're not alone.

I know I'd like that some day.

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