Friday, November 16, 2012

the girl with the toxic mind

frankly, there's been no big secret, scare, or major life problem that has kept me away.
frankly, I feel a little like a failure, as I often do when I don't keep up appearances.
frankly, I'm not entirely sure if I should even be writing right now, but I'm in a bubble bath, with nothing but time on my hands. 

a few things that have changed in my life:

I lost my job. Apparently I just never felt comfortable enough. But the solution to my discomfort is also being let go. I'm still not entirely sure how that one was supposed to work.

my sister and my four month old nephew velociraptor have moved in with me. She left her baby's father, and needed a healthy and stable place to get back on her feet. So my husband and I volunteered. So far, things are working out fairly well.

I'm still raising a three month old coon hound. he's a monster , but just handsome enough to be tolerable. I am still struggling somewhat in learning how to live successfully with him, but I don't want to get rid of

things I'm feeling guilty about:

I still don't know if I'll be able to start blogging like I was again. Frankly I don't blame those who I'm sure have already moved on from me. I miss times... But at the same time, I still have problems being totally frank and candid. with anyone in my life. you'd think the relative anonymity od blogging would appeal that way. But I still get caught up in expectations.

I have hundreds of unread e-mails. Thank you for anyone who has asked about me or tried in some way to lend support. My friend Rae, my darling dear, has even resorted to letters since I went off the grid. I don't deserve her. Really. 
(by the way, Rae, if you read this, I love your letters. Warden loved his bone. I have pictures I've been meaning to post)

I can't make both Thanksgivings this year. I feel really terrible, but I dropped the ball in arranging it so we could. No one's upset with us, but I can't stop worrying. I feel like I failed and I just want everyone happy.

what's really been going on:

if you'd follow my past, in terms of relations with groups of people, you'd see a pattern emerge. the pattern is that I have something happen...something a normal person would let interrupt their thoughts and schedules for say a few days. well I do that...maybe a few days extra, but then my toxic cocktail kicks in.

I seem to have a special blend of anxiety and depression that truly screws me over. You see, I get depressed about something and retreat from my normally scheduled life. but then, when I feel possibly feel up to trying to reenter said stream, my anxiety grabs hold. I fret and worry and think it's been too long. people will be upset with me. people won't want to interract with me anymore anyway. they'll be angry. so I retreat even more. sort of beat them to the punch. I used to be so bad I'd never pick up the phone because I was so terrified it'd be someone somehow angry or upset. This particular problem did me no favors in college.

not that I'm helpless...or have something the matter with me that isn't manageable. I know many people have much crappier problems than I. I've been medication free for going on three years now.
(not much of an accomplishment really, but it's something to say)

regardless... I guess I just wanted to try and explain for a moment some of the  inner mechanisms of my mind. I still don't have it right. and I know that. i think it's probably one of the hardest things in the world to try and explain a ... mind difficulty... to someone who doesn't experience it. it's like trying to explain to a bird what being a human is like, but not knowing how to speak fluent cockatoo. i feel like I don't have the words to express my meanings. and yet, i still try occasionally...


  1. I will never move on from you. You DO deserve a friend like me, and I deserve you. I'm so glad the bone was much enjoyed. And even if you fall off the face of the earth, I will still love and hunt you down. I love you. My Best Friend's Wedding is on Netflix - I thought of you :) You're not the only one who struggles with anxiety and depression, so I'm here if you need me. And this has been your most candid, inspiring post, yet <3 Don't, stop, writing. I won't stop praying for you and waiting for the day you smile again :) God loves you, and this too shall sweet friend... <3

  2. My thoughts are with you as you try and figure things out/come out of whatever is holding you back. Expectations always have a way of kicking ass, but I think your one tough cookie and your really the one that is going to be doing the ass kicking in the end:D Hang in there...

  3. That's a lot to deal with! Sorry things are so overwhelming! I must say, though, you really wrote this gracefully. Good luck in everything; your readers will still be here when you can get back.