If we were having coffee today...
I cannot promise I wouldn't make some smart ass comment about your drink of choice,
because it just seems like one of those days today.
But it would be quickly followed by an apology for the constant vibration of my phone,
as my husband sends me his morning love poems.
A fond smile on my lips when I tell you that yes, he sends them every morning.
I'd tell you I'm still missing my sister.
Even though she was only here for three days,
our hug goodbye seemed poignant and tighter than usual,
her eight month pregnant belly pressing into mine,
reminding me that things would never be as easy and simple as they were right then again.
That I sat and cried afterwards,
feeling as if we'd just said an official goodbye to our childhoods.
That I was heartbroken that the brownies hadn't turned out before she had to go,
like somehow that was a really big deal.
That I haven't been able to take down the cabana fort we built together,
even though it hovers over the majority of my living room.
In brighter news, we've stuck to our budget for three weeks now.
That we can live comfortably within it.
That we've put something in our savings this week for the first time in our marriage.
How proud I am of the both of us for being able to remain committed to these life changes,
{Including the smoking habit we both kicked without too much strife}
I'd tell you that my life is good,
That we're in a good place,
that I'm hoping for good things on the horizon.
That things are going well for me in the blogging world.
I've been gaining at least one new follower a day,
isn't that exciting?
I hope to reach 100 soon, though I haven't decided what kind of celebration I'd have,
do you have any ideas?
I also have made some really good friends recently,
and I'm mulling over the idea of having a monthly 'movie club',
movies, both old and new, that we watch and post about.
I'm doing a blog swap with a good friend soon similar to it,
but maybe have a link up monthly afterwards.
What do you think?
By now I'm sure your coffee is getting cold,
and the needs of getting showered and ready for the day are really pressing on me.
But that I'm glad you stopped by again,
even if it was just for a minute, it was good to hear from you.
And that in my own way, I love you.
Don't forget to go visit Alissa and see how their coffee dates are going today too..
As I mentioned last week,
I don't do coffee.
So this week it's a homemade batch of tazo passion fruit tea,
In my starbucks container from yesterday.
Our house is always ridiculously short on cups
This week you should be assured that I am no longer an anxiety ridden mess.
At least not this early in the morning.
Since our last coffee date I have:
Worked through making a budget to prepare us for some life changes,
especially saving money.
Have began to successfully plan our meals a week in advance and make only one shopping trip for them a week.
Filled out and turned in a handful of job applications.
Planned to spend a few days with my sister before her belly pops.
Yeah. I've been busy and accomplishing things. Mmhm.
Through reading some of the letters already up this week, I stumbled upon some inspiration from Nay at Cover to Cover and Everything in Between. Go see her letter she wrote, and it's truly quite touching.
But it also made me think of a few people in my own life. And I figured that I might share with you one such letter that I sit here writing.
Dear Boy Who Shouldn't Matter Anymore (And most times doesn't),
You ruined a good part of my life a long time ago. Jesus it's been nearly ten years. Ten years ago I was just a girl. A child. And so were you, in a manner of speaking. But.. I still blame you. I think I always will, because there is no way you could have just done what you did on the follies of youth. I truly believe there is some kind of darkness in you. But that isn't why I'm writing today.
I'm writing to tell you that most days...I'd say 97% of the time...I don't spare you a thought. You don't affect my life anymore the way you used to. You were a stubborn stain on my soul for a really really long time. Something that dictated my actions with people who never even knew your name. But you see, they had to deal with me, and you'd been sure to leave your mark. I still harbor a lot of resentment for you, thinking about you, though most days, I don't. Most days I think: Man if that hadn't happened then, I wouldn't be so grateful now. If that had happened only a few years later in my life, things would have been a lot worse. But when allowing myself just to think on -you-, you should know, I still think you're scum. And I think you deserve it.
I want you to know that I've grown to be a woman I love now. A woman who is still compassionate, still fights for people, still thinks every single person has an underlying of good somewhere. A woman with a husband who loves her so much it's really quite mind blowing. A woman who didn't get pregnant at 13 when you wanted me to. A woman who is, most days, confident in herself and who she is. I had to relearn who I was after you, do you know that? Probably not. It was like recovering from a bad accident, learning things you once knew all over again. My brain blocked you out. I still don't remember that year and a half.
I guess, I just wanted you to know, that despite your and your mother's best efforts, I turned out to be something worth while. Something more than some sick perversion that you both were pushing on me. Something more than a baby who was willing to forsake everyone else for a while. I became more. You? I doubt it. I may still have a moment of panic when I think I see you, see your mother, but it passes. Just like my thoughts of you did.
Sincerely,
I'm not that Girl anymore.
Wooh. Sorry about that folks. That took a turn for the dark, hmm?
I also know this ties in with the coffee discussion Alissa opened as well. Courage and loving boldly. It took me a really really long time to learn how to love myself again. To have the courage to be happy and to forget. To move on. It wasn't until I met my husband that I feel like I truly did. To have such a wonderful, magical, awe inspiring love for you so evident every day...It really does heal. He's made me sure of myself, and most days, confident and bold in my own sense of self love and love for my life.
Anyway, I'm glad you guys stuck around..if you did.. {haha}
Go see who else joined for coffee today at Rags to Stitches.
If we met for coffee today, I'd probably order a caramel apple blended drink.
Sort of like this but a lot less pretentious since I go to local business coffee shops.
{I don't like coffee, sorry!}
I'd probably start off with finding out what was going on with you this week. What has you excited? Anything bothering you about how things are going? This is just the kind of person I am. I must know what's going on with you, how the mood and atmosphere will be, what kind of visit we will have, before I open up about much.
Will we have a casual conversation? Something that's focused on some quite big news? Or are we sharing our actual feelings today?
Those be dangerous territories darling,
you sure you want to go there?
Well.. if you insist.
This week has begun a slow slipping into something that could be totally great,
or potentially the wrecking of any sort of sanity I've stockpiled in a while.
Yes I believe when we're having good days we stockpile sanity so we can afford to lose it later!
Potentially exciting things are being set into motion this week.
You know, one of those things that you've been hoping for for a long time.
A little jiggling thought in the back of your mind occasionally in your day to day routine.
A small little wish that most days you don't make the focus of your world,
even though some days it becomes that.
Something you've even given up thinking about the day you find out it might actually happen.
Well now that thing seems to be hurtling towards me at light speeds.
And I'm freaking out.
It's a near constant source of anxiety.
Something that is picking at me from several different angles all at once.
Monetary is a big one. Of course. Isn't it always?
Will we be able to afford it? Afford the upkeep for all our dreams?
Afford to start? (that's a major one for me.)
There's also the fear that it will come between me and some people in my life.
That somehow it won't work out,
Or it will be a really exceedingly difficult ride,
And it will come between me and people I truly care about.
{and whose relationship I've had to work really hard on getting where it is}
I can imagine you asking how I'm dealing with these things.
Because I know you're all just that sweet
And my answer? (beyond the woman's best well known lie of I'm fine)
Would be that I'm going neurotic.
I'm getting to the point where I'm trying to hyper organize everything.
I'm trying to find as many and the best coupons possible so I have hopes of helping us save up money.
I'm outlining and reoutlining various rules that we absolutely -must- follow for the upcoming months.
Any time anything doesn't fall into these little rigid lists,
I inwardly have a full body wince and paranoia.
least it's still inwardly?
My poor husband is going to have to live beneath the rule of the neurotic notions I'm scribbling into my notebook.
At least for now.
I hope just for now.
I guess that's the problem of having your hopes set on something,
This one thing
That if you only could do this one thing your life would get so much better.
So if it is actually here, I anyway,
begin to flip the [obscene word] out and begin to second doubt -everything-,
oh yeah, second doubt, way worse than either second guess or doubt.
because what if it doesn't make things better?
What if it makes things worse...
By now I'm sure you're on your like fifth cup of coffee,
and my neurotic babbling, coupled with your intense caffeine buzz, is driving jitters through you,
and you're just wondering in your head, over and over,
'god why did I open this gate?'
Well it's time to release you my friend.
And hope that you don't report me to some mental authority out there,
And maybe we could do this next week?
No? Maybe?
Thinks you'll somehow 'lose' my number...
Today's crazy rambling is brought to you by Alissa.
